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Saturday, August 29, 2009

My life with the A to Z list

Some of you may know that I am a giant celebrity whore. If there is anyone from the Z to the D list milling about, I will find them and stalk them with my Sharpie and stack of note cards. So what have I learned from my 20 years of stalking?

• Julie Andrews signs with a silver paint marker.
• Vincent Price would sign your stuff and inscribe it for you.
• Tim Curry is really short and is apparently hounded by proprietary autograph hounds where ever he goes. I felt bad asking him for an autograph.
• David Hyde Pierce DOES NOT sign autographs.
• The Blue Men will sign your Playbill with a blue thumb print.
• Quentin Crisp was in the New York City phone book, and was thrilled to get my request.
• However, John Waters was NOT thrilled that I found his address on line, but signed anyways. He expressed his opinion on a post it note on the back of the picture I sent him.
• Mark Wahlberg is really short, but he told me where to pee in NYC.
• Eartha Kitt is really short too.
• Art Linkletter is a giant.
• Jeff Daniels is a dick.
• Henry Rollins is smokin’ hot, but not really tall.
• Moby will draw you a picture if you ask him, even in a parking garage in NYC.
• George Carlin would talk with you when he was peeing next to you at Sardi’s.
• Andres Serrano, when pushed to talk about censorship will send you a three page handwritten letter.
• Matthew Broderick sends his letters from an address in CA somewhere, for tax purposes.
• Lynn Johnston, of the cartoon, For Better or Worse, sent me a page from her sketch book.
• Nathan Lane signed a Timon doll right on the crotch for me.
• Sean Astin is short but loves kids.
• Karen Finley is not above signing an index card.
• Martha Stewart’s ink fades quickly.
• Margaret Cho will sign for cash.
• I apparently killed Walter (Woody Woodpecker) Lantz, as he died shortly after I sent my request, but I still got an autograph!
• Bruce Vilanch looks like Rolf the Dog from the Muppets mated with Sally Jesse Raphael.
• Annie Liebovitz will send you proof pages she didn’t use.
• William Wegman will draw his dogs.
• If you write to Jimmy Carter, Plains, GA or Stephen King, Bangor, Maine, you’ll get an autograph.
• Amy Sedaris got the entire cast of “Strangers with Candy” to sign the picture I sent her, and she drew nose hair coming out of her nose with the Sharpie.
• My most cherished autograph was one of my first. Although I did not meet her in person, Julia Child signed my copy of “The Way to Cook” and the cover hangs in my kitchen. And yes, she signed it with a “bon appetit!”