I am not always a gracious loser, many of you will know that I have been nominated for the J. Ward Preston Faculty of the Year award at Jackson College twice now, and I have yet to win. I am the Susan Lucci of JC, always nominated, but never winning. I do take comfort in my 2005 award of the MEA Higher Ed Art Teacher of the mother-fuckin’ Year award for the state of Michigan and I dry my tears on that when I don’t win locally. But I digress.
In the past, when my rights as a gay man were trampled on, I raised a ruckus. And rightfully so. Over the past 12 or so years, I have been portrayed as a pedophile, a villain, and someone who is not worthy of basic human rights, including, but not limited to marriage, raising children, and equal protection under the law. So, if you’ll indulge me for a moment, I am going to do a hi-5/victory lap and shove my status as a full and legal citizen down the throats of my haters.
Let’s call this Tom’s Suck-it List.
So, who to pick on first?
1. My number one is the Mormon Church. Yes, you all can suck it and sing about it later. The Magic Underwear Cult spent a lot of money trying to derail Tod and my legal marriage in California in 2008. I had to school two of their young recruits out proselytizing in our neighborhood. When the fresh-faced teen rang our door, after walking under a rainbow flag and bunting, I stopped them in their tracts and started asking them if they knew how much their church spent trying to destroy our marriage. I then pointed to the rainbow décor and asked them if they knew what that was. They didn’t. I suggested that they have a serious sit down with their elders and discuss this, and what the fucking rainbow flag means (Mormons = stay away) and move on. To this day, the young LDS pedal right by our house and don’t bother us. More on their marriage shenanigans here
2. The Knights of Columbus. Fuck you and your pancakes. We don’t need you. When Jesus (or Baphomet) come back, how will you answer to them and your wanton spending on this cause? People are literally starving and you’re holding breakfasts to raise money to fight our legal marriage? Choke on your pancakes assholes. More on their feathered lot here
3. Speaking of choking on your food… my third entry is Chick-fil-A, the religiously pretentious chicken eatery that denies you their goods when your hangover is the worst (Sunday). Yes, they abide by biblical law by not operating on the alleged Sabbath but have yet to share which definition of the biblical family they are following. Concubines? Multiple wives? Hey, if you’re going to follow the bible and alienate those who respect LGBT folks, you better have your story *ahem* straight. Until then, piss off.
4. And then there are these guys… NOM. Nom nom nom nom nom… chew on our victory haters! I hope it tastes as good as I imagine. The time, the tweets, the marches, the MONEY, and don’t get me started on Maggie’s hair. Please go away now, you’re no longer needed.
5. My final entry is a group, but then I will hone my focus and single out one. Yes the G.O.P. The Republicans. The Party of Stupid. We were out to eat with our friends on election night 2004 and two horrible things became clear: Prop 2 here in Michigan (outlawing same sex marriage) and W’s reelection were going to happen. We glumly ate our food and a jubilant waiter ran by hi fiving people yelling “Four more years!” I wanted to cry, and then stab him with my steak knife. The GOP used the issue of same sex marriage as a wedge issue, an issue to get out their rabid base and secure Bush’s disastrous second term and it worked. We were their unwilling pawns in their quest for power. One candidate here in Jackson was Rick Baxter. His campaign flyers were an offense to anyone who cared about their LGBT friends and family. Ironically, Rick is now on his second or third marriage and is going through a rather nasty divorce. So yeah, where is the sanctity of marriage now? It’s all a memory and thankfully we can all move on.
So yeah, all the aforementioned can officially Suck It! Think of what you could have been doing with all that time, money, and energy that you expended making my life a living hell. Meanwhile, I will bask in my newfound status as a married man here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. and not give two fucks about your precious feelings or alleged religious freedom. Move on haters.
Happy 4th everyone!
Happy 4th everyone!