Thursday, July 31, 2014

Beards, Beers, and Queers: Pitching our reality show

 Apparently beards and beer are the new thing for reality TV.

We've all heard of Duck Dynasty, and sadly, when Tod and I go out in public with our bearded brethren, we are often accused of being extras or wannabes for the next season. Pogonophiles will hover around and try to steal touches of our facial hair. Or, those channeling our mothers will offer their two cents on how we SHOULD be maintaining our facial hair and suggest places to get it trimmed. In light of all the homophobic crap the Duck assholes have said, I politely decline and move on when questioned by unknown passersby. Recently, Dark Horse Brewing in Marshall, MI (25 miles to the west of us) launched a reality show of their own called Dark Horse Nation on the History Channel. ( We were a bit confused when we went there this spring with some friends and saw warning signs all over the property alerting us to the fact that we might end up on TV should we venture into the specified areas. I diligently checked my fly after each bathroom trip and made sure to behave even though the beers were flowing.  After all, who wants to see a sloppy drunk professor with their fly down? We love the brewery, and as you can tell, it’s a regular stop on our beer quests throughout the Mitten. Their space is awesome, the food is great, and their beer never fails to delight. We will pay top dollar for a DD to go and visit the brewery on date night or just to hang out. It’s that kind of space.

Our newspaper has been pimping the show constantly since the premier date was released, and the beard comments have once again started flying. “Dude, you should totallllly check out that show on the History Channel about the beer guys. BEARDS AND BEEER MAN!” We scored a sitter for the kids this past weekend and we went to the Michigan Brewer’s Guild Beer Fest in Ypsilanti, MI. The event is usually a cluster fuck of excruciating hipsters wearing Bill Murray tees and top knots, and this year was no exception. However, the Dark Horse booth was the E Ticket of the night and many of the hipsters were giving up their indie cred to bow at the temple of fame. Their lines stretched well into the crowd of revelers and they continually flung tees from the top of their set up to the eager crowds. This was great for all of us who weren’t sucked in by their new found celebrity as the lines for the other area breweries were much shorter, Chelsea Ale House, we’re looking at you!

Anyway, with the current trend of bearded anything making a splash on TV, we are going to push our own reality series called “Here comes Dark Duck Boo Boo: Michigan.” It’s the story of two gay dads, one who loves IPAs and pale ales and his husband who is always on the hunt for the perfect stout or porter in the Murder Mitten. Yes, it’s true opposites do attract, especially when it comes to two dads and two different kinds of beer. You don’t have to worry about the other one stealing your brews from the beer fridge. Throw in our two precocious children and this will be ratings gold. Anna will be there for the glam factor and, seeing as she is such an ingĂ©nue any songs or musical interludes will be choreographed and sung by her. Eli will bring the drama and the humor at the same time each week. Soon, the whole world will have their own “Moments of Eli” to talk about at the water cooler.

So, if there are any agents out there, this is our pitch. Two dads, two kids, on the hunt for the perfect stout. We promise we’ll make it interesting. Just buy us the beer. 

Let's do the math:

Two Dads
Plus rockin' facial hair
Minus the homophobia and bible thumping
Add Two Kids
Add Beer
Here's your Emmy