Wednesday, March 11, 2009

An Open Letter to Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston

An open letter to Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston,

After reading this:

As the poster children for the Republican Religious Right, I can’t believe that you have actually called your engagement and future wedding off. And, I can’t even imagine you going against what your Mom and her cronies in the Republican Party so adamantly defend: the sanctity of marriage and the belief that a kid needs a Mom and a Dad to flourish.
So let’s break this down:
1. You got pregnant outside of marriage. I love the fact that you have come out against abstinence only programs. Can you do us all a favor sit down with your Mom and have a big girl conversation with her about how kids are having sex? She needs to know. Alaska is a lot like the Upper Peninsula here in Michigan. There’s not much to do except drink, snow mobile and have sex. That would explain all the F.A.S. and closed head injuries. So the sooner your Mom realizes this, the sooner you can watch the underage pregnancy rate drop in Alaska.

2. You and Levi at least have the option to get married. So yeah, fuck you for breaking it off. We have gone to great lengths (both financially and emotionally) to make sure that our daughter is taken care of since we can’t legally get married. Oh sure we heard that you think Levi is nothing but “white trash” but you should have thought about that before you decided to spread your legs and have unprotected sex with him. Now poor Tripp is going to grow up knowing his Dad as nothing more than a sperm donor and “good time” that you had back in 08. You’ll probably remarry down the road and Tripp will be stuck seeing Levi on holidays.
And, as a side note: Levi is pretty hot. Do you honestly think you’re going to be able score that kind of man candy with a kid on your arm? Oh sure, they may come up and talk to you at the mall when you’re hanging outside Baby Gap with Tripp in the stroller, but they know you are used merchandise and come with baggage. The smart ones will move on.

3. And we hear that you aren’t letting Tripp see his Dad anymore. Levi, to his defense, wants to be a hands on Dad, kind of like he wanted to be a hands on boyfriend with you, but you’re being a baby block and not letting him do what he has to do. Be a father. So yeah, let us know when you all decide to go on Maury, it will be a hoot.

4. You aren’t going to school? Oooo, kids are hard. Between diapers, day time t.v. and your MySpace and Facebook accounts, you’re probably too busy to study. You should have thought about that before you decided to let Levi fuck you and make this little ACT-breaker. Perhaps if you would have paid attention in health class this might not be an issue.
5. And we hear that Levi quit his job that your Mom helped him score on the oil field too. Who is going to help pay for this kid? You’re not really employable right now. Your Mom is kind of a lame duck, and your Dad, even though he is smokin’ hot, he doesn’t seem to be the one who is actually bringing home the bacon if ya know what I mean. Snow machines are cool, but they don’t pay the bills. So it seems that you are going to have to rely on some kind of government assistance or a big allowance from the folks to keep this kid in diapers and food. After all, he doesn’t have the RNC around to buy him designer baby clothes like Grandma Sarah did.

So let me repeat. Fuck you.

Am I angry? You betcha.

Am I wrongly directing my anger at a child pawn on the Republican Publicity Machine?
No way baby.
Your Mom and the rest of her ilk trotted you out for the world to ogle over at the convention. You were almost as big as she was, but that was just lil’ Tripp growing inside of you. You were to be the Republican version of JFK Jr and Amy Carter rolled up with a heapin’ helpin’ of good old fashioned GOP values. At this point, the Bush Twins were pretty much D.O.A. and Meghan McCain? Don’t get me started. You had a chance to make a life and start a family with your son, but instead you decided to toss everything that I hold near and dear to my heart into the trash because Levi forgot to use a condom.

Why am I pissed? Because all the reasons your Mom’s party uses to defend marriage and keep LGBT folk from adopting you have embraced and made your own. Your Mom’s party is about defending the sanctity of marriage and here you are calling it off because the guy who fathered your child is now not good enough for you. Your Mom’s party also thinks that kids should have a stable, typical family unit of a Mom and a Dad in their defense for legislation against LGBT adoption. Tell me again how you are going to handle visitations with Tripp and Levi the sperm donor?

You have pretty much ruined any kind of normalcy for Tripp; you’ve botched what could have been a good family. Oh sure, things are hard when you’re young, but you should have known that, after all, the abstinence only programs that the GOP and your Mom are promoting tell you all the things that can go wrong when you fuck without protection. And let’s not forget, the school part: I hope you aren’t going to wait and try and come back to school when you’re a pseudo-MILF like your Mom. Let me tell ya, Cougars and Community Colleges can be a great match, but you better keep your figure and your Hot Topic charge card in shape until then.


  1. Okay, I know you're probably saying what's with this chicka. She adds me on facebook, and now she's over here. I couldn't help it, I started reading and just kept going. Well, I had to stop at January 30th because I was eating and Amy Winehouse can make me lose my appetite. Just her picture of course, I am in awe of her talent.

    All of February was a wonderful read. And I laughed when I saw you post from LJ. I have a Xanga, that I post on, a Blogger & a LJ for commenting, and of course a facebook. Life on the internet.

    Congratulations on your beautiful family. I think people who have to struggle to build a wonderful life probably appreciate it a little bit more than the people who just say "oops".


  2. Outstanding! And the added twist of Super Stud Levi showing up on the Tyra Banks Show, bad grammer and Walmart wardrobe in tow, makes it all the juicier.