A year ago today: but still legal

It was a year ago today that Tod and I were legally married in California, San Francisco to be exact (see the main pic on the blog). Many questioned why we did that, and why we went to such as expense to do so, but to us, the answer was simple: we wanted to be legally married somewhere. Oh sure, we had our lovely commitment ceremony a few years ago in our back yard, but that was only a gesture towards what we wanted as a couple, not the real deal.
“But isn’t that enough?” some would ask. And our response was NO! It wasn’t.
When I first came out, the comment that was thrown back at me by various folks was “don’t you want to be married and have children?” Well, now I am married and I have kids, so those homophobic stereotypes need to be put to rest. Some have said that we didn’t need to do this since it wouldn’t be recognized in Michigan, and those critics have also said that we wasted time and money on something that wasn’t going to fly.

But you know what? It did fly, and we’re still married.

So to all those that said we shouldn’t get married by supporting Prop 8 in California, I say a big FUCK YOU!

To itemize my FUCK YOU! list here are my shout outs:

• Mormons (a double FUCK YOU! after you are dead and buried, sent to all you and your wives!) More on them here, I hope they do track back. http://www.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/
• Knights of Columbus and the Catholic Church in general. May your pancake breakfasts be epic fails.
• Sarah Palin. Oh, I am soooo sorry you left office. You were such a poster child for all this marriage controversy.
• Carrie Prejean, the FORMER Miss California, it’s an opposite !UOY KCUF
• To that poor restaurant owner somewhere in Hollywood who was caught supporting Prop 8 but had a mostly LGBT clientele. You can cry foul, but we know what you did, and we’ll take our money elsewhere. FUCK YOU. No tip either.
• To all the Black people that voted for this.
• To all the White people that voted for this.
• To all the other colors of folks out there that found it too hard to accept a world that was changing and that love conquers all.
• And lastly, to the California Supreme Court. It’s not quite a FUCK YOU; it’s more of a WHAT THE FUCK??? You had the chance to stand up to there bullies, but you didn’t You tossed a bone to the LGBT community in honoring those of us who were married, and denied the rest of the world a chance to do so by upholding Prop 8. I am happy that I am still married somewhere, but continue to wonder what it means to this day.


I was brought up in a home that respected marriage and showed me as a child what true love was. I hope to bring that to my two kids and to my husband each day. And if you don’t like it… I have two words for you.

No place like home

A previous post from Live Journal, now a chapter in THE BOOK:

It was two years ago this week that we finally made it back to Michigan with Anna. Due to the various legal issues involved with interstate adoption, and the fact that she was born close to Thanksgiving made the whole process slow to a crawl. Throw in the fact that November is also National Adoption Month, and you get a whole judicial system that was clogged with en masse finalizations and other celebrations that put our little situation on the back burner. We were lucky to be able to stay at my parent’s house during this time. Yes, it was stressful, but we have heard tales of people holing up in cheap hotels for months on end while their adoption is finalized in a foreign country. We at least had free WiFi, and cable at my folk’s, and safe drinking water.
I had ventured back to Jackson a couple of times after Anna was born to check on the house, get mail, and check in at the college. Tod had not, since he was Anna’s guardian at the time. We didn’t feel comfortable having him out of the state should anything happen. We could go ANYWHERE in the state of Ohio with her… all the way down to the West Virginia border, over to the Pennsylvania border, or down to the Kentucky border… we just couldn’t cross any state lines with her until the papers cleared both states. Our lone trip away from my parents’ house was to visit Tod’s brother and his wife over the Thanksgiving weekend. Since they also live in Ohio we were good to go.

Each day we waited in hopes of returning to our home to start our new life with her. I will go on record as saying that time did indeed stand still for us for those three long weeks. Our families were busy getting ready for the holidays and we were stuck sitting on the couch watching day time TV and playing with Anna when she was awake. I have never longed to be home so much in my entire life. It was difficult to establish any kind of routine, as it wasn’t our place. We didn’t know how a baby would fit in to our home. We had conceptualized it in our minds, but we really had no idea.

How will a two storey house work with late night bottle feedings?
Will it be warm enough?
Do we have her in the right room?
How will the pets react to her?
About a month after she was born, we decided to both go back to Jackson for the night together without our daughter. Tod had a professional development workshop he was supposed to attend and was eager for the change, and I had to get back to work as it was coming up on finals week. We packed up my car to the roof and headed north after begrudgingly leaving her with her new grandparents. We were both nervous, as this was the first time we had both been away from her together, and the nervousness showed in our voices and our chatter as we headed out of town.
As we entered the city limits of Jackson, Tod’s phone rang. It was Monica, our lawyer. She asked where we were, and we told her that we had just pulled into Jackson. She quickly asked if we had the baby, and we assured her that we did not. Sure as shit, not even two minutes after we entered the city without Anna, we were finally cleared to bring her back to Michigan. The paperwork was finally done.
We both cheered and immediately called my folks to have them start packing up Anna for her journey back to Jackson. In retrospect, it was a good thing that we did make this trip without her, as the month down in Ohio had generated a lot of stuff for us. Dirty clothes, new baby gear, gifts, and other items associated with new parents. I don’t think we would have had room for her if we wanted. I had visions of the Joad family heading west from Oklahoma. We weren’t Okies looking for work, we were two new Dads without a clue.

We pulled in to our house, quickly unloaded and went to drive back to Ohio. Oscar, Tod’s dog, would not leave his side. He followed Tod each time he went to the car and demanded his attention. His behavior was a little needy, but we understood his missing Tod and packed him up in the car for the trip back to my folk’s. Little did he know how his life would change as this new source of fun and never ending food came into his life. When we arrived back in Perrysburg, Oscar ran in, gave their dog Darby a quick sniff and then went straight to Anna to size her up.
We had promised Hillary, Anna’s Mom that we would stop by on the way home. I wasn’t looking forward to this last goodbye, as the day we took Anna home from the hospital was a bleak and depressing day for all involved. What was supposed to be a joyous and happy day for Tod and I was filled with tears and sobbing. We called and let them know that we would be stopping by for a brief visit. We picked up our daughter, said a tearful, but thankful goodbye to my parents and headed out to see her Mom. The visit went well, as Hillary had some of her friends over to meet Anna and her new Dads. The sadness that prevailed at the hospital was replaced with joy and happiness as Anna moved into her new home in Michigan. It wasn’t a final goodbye, but a goodbye for now.

We pulled into Jackson late in the evening. I had imagined a cheerful photo for her baby book with Tod and me holding her on our front porch as we went in for the first time as a new family. Instead, under the cover of darkness, we snuck our new little bundle into OUR house, locked the door and went to bed exhausted but happy. The first few days and weeks back in Jackson were wild. We attempted to retain some sense of normalcy in our lives, but we quickly realized that there was a new sheriff in town and she was callin’ the shots.
My most vivid memory of those first few days back was the insanity of us trying to get our Christmas tree in the front door while Anna cried in the background. Our friend from church stopped by and saw that we were both out on the porch struggling with the tree. She immediately asked where the baby was and climbed over the tree to go see her, shaking her head and muttering under her breath. I think she was questioning the Judge’s decision to place this little baby with two complete morons. She took care of Anna for us for a moment, and we began to set up the tree. When I was in college, I worked for Jacobson’s, so I became pretty adept at setting up trees and decorating for the holidays. Not so much anymore. What used to be an afternoon of intense work turned into several weeks of “can I get it done in time?” insanity.
During our time in Ohio, we became very close with Hillary and her family and friends, but we desperately wanted to be with our friends back home. That first weekend home, we took Anna out for her Jackson debut. We met our friends at one of our favorite restaurants for dinner and a celebration of some kind. I don’t remember what we were celebrating, but I do know that Anna stole the show and stole everyone’s hearts.

We had become regular members at Hillary’s church in Toledo during our time in Ohio. We found many similarities to their church and ours, as they are both United Methodists, the one big difference being the Rainbow flag on their altar and the mostly LGBT congregation in attendance each Sunday. Their church was a fully welcoming and reconciling church, and we were accepted as a new family with open arms. We weren’t sure what to expect with our church, as it was an older congregation and we had heard that folks were a little concerned with us adopting. Never mind the fact that we were Gay… ADOPTING???

That first Sunday at Trinity was a whirlwind of smiling faces, hearty handshakes and hugs. Anna was whisked from our arms the moment we walked in the door and was passed from person to person during the time before the service. We went and sat down in our regular seats in the back of the sanctuary, this time with Anna sleeping on Tod’s shoulder. During the announcements, our minister, Pastor Bea came over to our pew and took Anna from Tod. She walked around with Anna in her arms and passed by each pew, introducing her to the congregation and charging them with her care and upbringing. Bea drew a line in the sand for us, challenging the congregation to accept and welcome this little girl into their lives without prejudice, living up to the UMC’s motto of: Open Doors, Open Hearts, and Open Minds. We’ll never know for sure who was against us coming to the church and adopting a child, and at this point, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that we were home, physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and in the immortal words of Dorothy Gale, “there’s no place like home.”

My Hero

I spent the day yesterday at Tod’s school talking to his team’s students about the local oratorical contest addressing art and culture. The question posed by the group sponsoring the contest asked a pretty long-haired question, so Tod’s team asked me to come in and get all college like on their kids. We put together a pretty interesting and funny presentation, and I headed off to talk to the kids for the day. I didn’t identify myself with my last name, since it’s the same as Tod’s; rather, I was just Professor Tom. The day went well and I had a pretty good time talking with the kids about art and the stuff they see each day around town here in Jackson. The kids were respectful and seemed to like what we were talking about (especially Tim Hawkinson’s art).

But after school, the drama began. A young woman who was very attentive and involved in my first group came up to Tod after class and said:

"I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I have been hearing from a lot of people that you are Gay".

Tod’s reply… "So?"

And her response… she looked at him and walked away.

It amazes me the amount of chutzpah some of these kids have. I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking any of my teachers anything like that when I was in school. I accidentally found my 5th grade teacher smoking behind the dining hall when we were at camp one year (I was taking out our cabin’s trash). I thought I was dead, that I had unwillingly crossed some line that would have me expelled or worse yet, talked to by the Principal. But apparently it’s open season now. I came in one afternoon to pick up Anna while Tod did Market Day and a young boy came up to me and said: "how is she related to you?" while pointing at Anna. I didn’t know what to say so I just looked at him and moved on.

But apparently you can just give them some of their own medicine and they crumble. Tod’s response of “So?” said very little in quantity, but it spoke volumes in terms of message:

I DON’T CARE YOU NOSEY LITTLE BITCH AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!

Class dismissed.

I robot

We have a backpack from Family Week that we use each week at the library. Anna can fill the thing up with as many books as she wants from the kid’s area. They just have to fit in the bag.

1. It keeps the books in order and easily found for return, keeping the fines down to a minimum.
2. It gives her a quest each week when we attack the various branches around town.

Sometimes she fills it with the board books; sometimes it’s a “whatever” situation and she just starts tossing arbitrary books in the bag. This is how we came up with the “SPACE ART” book from last week. We got home and headed to the living room to check out the books. Tod helped her pick a few to read and the space art book was one. They looked at all the projects and marked the pages that they wanted to do.

One of the pages was making your own robot. She loves her Yo Gabba Gabba and is fond of Plex, the yellow robot overlord of the YG2 crowd. So, I gathered up some recycling and a few art supplies that I just happened to have on hand and we began our experiment in toddler arts n’ crafts. Mind you, I am certified K 12 art, but this was a whole different ball of yarn. While most kids are compliant and just want to make something, Anna had to experiment and stack and restack, and experiment some more and wear my very patience to the ground. Remember, I am used to whiny college students who usually don’t have an idea from the get-go. Anna had 1, 000 ideas and was bound and determined to test them all out.

We finally figured out a basic body and Tod taped it all together for hot gluing later. The robot in the book was silver and covered in foil. I had some silver paint in my studio so I thought we could just paint the thing silver. Didn’t work. So, it ended up being a rather tarnished gold color. We spent yesterday afternoon accessorizing the creature with stickers and bangles.

As any good toddler with two Daddies knows: the only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.

Behold the finished product

While some may protest that little girls shouldn’t be making robots, we’re happy to announce that after the above bot was done, Anna promptly remarked that she wanted to make a Princess Robot. I told her that there had already been a Princess Robot and its name was Princess Di.


But it was prone to crashing.

Forever and Ever?

I was chatting with a good friend tonight and we were discussing his current status of single. He discussed the breakup and what brought it about. He mentioned a discussion with his ex in which when asked if this person was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with he answered no. This, of course, was not the answer he (the ex) wanted to hear and they went their separate ways.
When I first met Tod, this question was answered in my head within the first few weeks of our relationship. As we grew together as a couple, my guess was confirmed. I think this is why I am so adamant about Gay Marriage. I want to grow old with Tod, but I want to be safe and secure in not only our relationship, but in our status as a couple as well.

Getting old is hard enough.

I watch my parents struggling in retirement, and I can’t imagine going through it not married. My Grandma Oakley remarried after my Grandfather passed for that very reason.

I want to grow old with Tod, but I don’t want to worry about if I can share a room with him in our retirement center/nursing home.

I want to grow old with Tod, and at some point, I would like our family to all be on his insurance.

I want to grow old with Tod, and I want to know that he and Anna will be taken care of should something happen to me.

I want to grow old with Tod, but I want to know that we can visit each other in the hospital when that time comes to say good bye.

I looked at the pictures of Phyllis Lyon, 79, and Del Martin, 83, the first couple to legally marry in California and my heart swelled with pride. These two had been together for longer than I have been on this earth, and for a brief time, they were legally married and were able to be together under the band of marriage.
As heterosexual couples, the above things would never be an issue, but for us, it could be.
While we are legally married in California, it does very little for us here in Michigan since Proposition 2 passed several years ago. The person you love and care about and want to spend the rest of your life with should be the focus of your existence, not the questions listed above. While being a heterosexual doesn’t automatically guarantee a trouble free marriage, it does provide some safe guards that we as LGBT couples do not enjoy. Take your marriage seriously, take your vows seriously, and look the person you married in the eyes and tell them that you want to grow old with them.