Careful what you wish for!

It was all fine and dandy when she was being cute and tossing coins in the fountain across from our church each Sunday. The melt-your-heart “I want a little brother!” wishes were enough to choke up anyone with a working soul. We let her do the wishing, and kept to ourselves the plans unfolding for Eli to come and live with us. Once we knew it was going to happen, we told her and she was thrilled and eagerly helped us get ready for his arrival. Oh sure, there were rough moments (such as the “you’ve ruined my life” outburst) but for the most part, the transition has been pretty smooth.

Christmas break proved a little stressful for all of us, Anna included. The stress of the pre-school Christmas Party circuit was taking its toll (which began mid-December by the way); as was Anna’s desire to be on Santa’s good little girls list. She was doing her damndest to be good, but each day it became harder and harder. We decided that at about 5:00 pm or so, she just simply runs out of good. She also completely won me over with her exclaiming one night that “Plankton was in my brain!” a great excuse from an episode of SpongeBob where Plankton gets in SpongeBob’s head and takes control of his body and brings havoc to Bikini Bottom. It’s really hard for me to get mad at her when she drops a great excuse like that, especially such a great pop culture reference such as SpongeBob.

Add a helping of sugar, an insane holiday travel schedule, no day care or preschool and you have a recipe for a Category Five Preschool meltdown. It happened last week, right before the New Year. Cabin fever was setting in as was holiday fatigue. Little things were causing big problems. If you’ve ever watched VH1’s “Behind the Music” there is usually a moment in the show when the narrator says, “and then things began to fall apart.” Well, if we had a narrator, those words would have been uttered for us as well. The screaming, the yelling, the throwing of things and general bad behavior made for one very stressful night here on Greenwood. Thankfully, it was winter, so our doors and windows were closed and no one could hear the symphony of chaos coming from our kitchen. I don’t remember what triggered it, but it happened. Eli did something, Anna reacted, Anna got the time out, and the screaming began.

“I DON’T WANT A LITTLE BROTHER ANYMORE!”

As the older sibling, I can relate to her feelings. The younger kid is usually nothing but trouble and pretty much ruins the idyllic set up you have with your parents as the only child. Oh sure, we talked about this prior to Eli coming and warned her that she would have to share her toys, her house, her Daddy and Papa, but that warning seemed to have been forgotten when the above was screamed at the top of her lungs. I looked at her and said that I felt her pain, and that little brothers were annoying. We both laughed a bit, and I calmly told her that we could not return Eli as we forgot to get a receipt.

Tod, the second child in his family, got a bit defensive (I believe he actually punched me) as Anna and I bonded over this issue and curtly pointed out that this same meltdown probably took place with me and with his older brother Scott when we became big brothers. I doubt it. Scott and I are totally rational beings; we’d never do anything like this.

When the process began with Eli, we had hoped that his adoption would be finalized by Christmas, but the six month wait period ends in January instead of December. Our social worker had asked to have it pushed u p to December, but we were asked to wait. We’re okay with that, as some of the best gifts of the holiday season are the ones you get after the mad rush. The ones you can take your time with and enjoy without all the insanity of the holidays. Even the gifts that come without receipts.

Doubting our desire to teach: a review of "Doubt"

Tod and I watched John Patrick Shanley’s “Doubt” yesterday, and it brought up some interesting conversations about our jobs as educators and Gay men after the film. It’s no secret that the central core of this film is the alleged sexual abuse of a young boy by a priest played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I won’t spoil the film for anyone, but this is a very strong theme in this film and leads us to the film’s climatic and somewhat cathartic ending. The accusing nun is expertly played by a relative newcomer named Meryl Streep, she does a great job of transporting us back to 1964 (the year the action takes place) in both her mindset and her dowdy wardrobe.
After we watched the film, Tod brought up the question of what he would do were he to be accused of misconduct such as in the movie. The actions taken by the priest are central to the end of the film, so you’ll need to watch it to find out what happens, but it still gave us pause to think about our current litigious society and how quickly gossip can spread, especially when it comes to subjects as charged as abuse from a priest or a teacher. There is a very powerful scene in the film that has Hoffman preaching on the evils of gossip. He recounts from the pulpit the story of a nun who is chastised by a priest for gossiping, and he tells her to go to her roof and stab her pillow. She does and the resulting blizzard of feathers blankets the neighborhood. This is a visually stunning moment in the film, one that I won’t soon forget. The nun returns to the priests and tells him what she did. She asks what now? The priest tells her to go and pick up EVERY SINGLE FEATHER from the pillow. You can imagine her response to this task. As much as I love to gossip, this was a chilling example of what can happen with just a few misspoken words.
So why did this film bring up so many questions for us? I recall being told as a young college student that I might want to reconsider being a male art teacher, as I would leave myself open to allegations due to stereotypes and vindictive students and or parents. Even though I was not out of the closet officially, the pervading stereotypes of male art teachers (and female gym teachers) were that we were Gay or Lesbian, whether provable or not. This is what happens in the movie, can this nun prove that this priest did indeed abuse his powers with this student? As student teachers, we were counseled by a panel of seasoned experts to never be alone with a student and to quell any suggestions of sex or sexuality by either us or the students. We were told to be cautiously compassionate and to watch how we present ourselves to our students to prevent any questions of inappropriateness. This created an internalized sense of paranoia from my first day of teaching. I entered the classroom eager to teach and to get to know my students, but I also entered scared and perhaps a bit overcautious. When we first began the adoption process, we read about how for many years Gay men were denied the ability to openly adopt as the assumption was that you were going to molest the child. Thankfully, the era we are in now is more open and the ugly stereotypes that surrounded much of the last century are gone.
What would I have done if anything like this would have happened to me when I was teaching? Allegations of abuse, whether confirmed or not are job killers for teachers and the accused very rarely recover professionally from issues like this. Granted, there have been both teachers and priests, and in some cases, nuns that have abused children and their power, which is unforgiveable.
The movie “Deliver us from Evil” documents what can happen when sexual abuse in the Catholic Church goes unchecked and the tabloids are unfortunately filled with stories of teachers who sexually abuse their students. How we as a society deal with this issue is what is important. Back in the 60’s, it was “don’t ask, don’t tell” and those reactions were devastating for many generations of students. The Catholic Church is still recovering emotionally and financially from these transgressions. The transgressions in “Doubt”, whether real, indisputable, or imagined leave many victims, including one you may not expect.
“Doubt” is a great film, one that will raise many questions, questions that may be uncomfortable to some, but never the less need to be asked.

Inside the Apple

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I am usually not one for history books, but this one was on the new books shelf at the library and it looked interesting. I read the first chapter in the “reading room” one morning, and was hooked.
Tod and I have been to NYC countless times, and each time we delve into a new neighborhood or area of the metropolis that we have not seen before. This book is an amazing guide to an amazing city. Who knew that Canal Street was actually once a canal? Or that Wall Street, wait for it, was actually a wall (to protect the city). Sure, these are silly examples, but it’s this kind of minutia that makes this guide so enjoyable.

The back stories on the various cathedrals that were built early on are better than any drama on television right now. From what I can gather, it was just one big pissing contest between the churches to see who could build bigger and better and attract a bigger flock. And the story of Five Points (the focus of The Gangs of New York movie) is made even more interesting by the book’s authors. I want to go back and watch that film again knowing what I know now.
So, if you go to the Apple or know someone who lives in the Apple… I highly recommend this book.

The author’s have a website and a blog, one of my new favorites, here:
http://www.insidetheapple.net/
Happy New Year by the way...

So what are you reading?

Holiday wishes

To you and yours... whether they are the biological family or the "logical" family (read=friends) we all hope you have a very merry whatever you celebrate.

More later after the insanity.

Tom

Papa's wish list

It all started a few weeks before Thanksgiving. While watching T.V. Anna would yell “I WANT THAT!” at everything that popped up on the commercials on Nickelodeon or Nick Jr. We handed her a Target toy ad insert a while back and asked her to circle what she wanted. It took her most of the morning, but she methodically circled every goddamned thing in the ad.
Well, she’s not the only person in our house that has a wish list. I have one too. Papa has been relatively good this year, so I feel confident asking the big guy (uh, Santa, duh!) for the following items:
1. I want to go to bed and sleep, and I would like to wake up on my own rested and ready for the day.
2. I want clothing that doesn’t need to be washed. The Sisyphean task of laundry with two kids takes the life out of me.
3. Is it too much to ask for quiet dinners? Really, I would like to have some sparkling conversation and talk about the day instead of screaming and yelling.
4. Kids that will eat anything that is presented to them and not complain and toss it on the floor? PLEASE? I am getting so tired of chicken nuggets and yogurt.
5. With that said, I want a dog that will actually come in and clean up ANYTHING that is on the floor. Oscar, I really miss you.
6. And while I am on it, a self-cleaning house with toys that put themselves away would be nice.
7. A cow, for milk. Honestly, after bananas, the next thing on the grocery list each week is milk. A few years ago, a coworker bought a flock of geese in my name for some poor village somewhere. At the time, I thought it was a nice gesture, but now I wish she would buy me a cow for my backyard. And, if it came with udders that provided both 2% and whole milk, that would be great.

Really Santa, I have been good. My nerves have been tested with these two kids, but I think I have done okay, so has Tod for that matter. See what you can do Mr. C. and we’ll see what we can do to keep your spirit alive on Greenwood for a few more years.

Fatherhood Friday part 2: A very special Christmas tale

The big question with 4 to 5 year olds this time of year is whether or not they still believe in Santa Claus. Their belief in the Big Guy is tenuous at best, as there are many forces working against their desire to believe. Children see the multiple Santas around the malls and at parties and they begin to realize that the one doesn’t look like the other. They hear things from the older kids at day care, or at school. Maybe it’s sloppy hiding of presents by the parents, or a child who suddenly learns how to spell while their parents discuss P R E S E N T S over dinner.
Most experts agree that when the child is ready, you have a sit down and ask them what THEY believe. You neither confirm nor deny, you simply nod your head and listen.
But this morning presented a different problem. When do you tell your child about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo? This morning, while getting ready, we let Eli play in the shower as Anna got dressed and Tod dried off. He likes to hang out and play in the water as it drips from the shower head, this distraction gives us time to get ourselves taken care of and to get Anna on the way to getting ready as well. This morning however, Eli had different plans. Instead of just playing, he used the shower as a toilet and dropped a Yule log right in the shower floor. I was still in my pajamas, so Tod was the lucky one who had to go in and clean up the deuce that Eli dropped while playing. Since the oral surgery on Tuesday, I have been on a myriad of drugs and my stomach has not been the best. I couldn’t take seeing or smelling the lump of coal that he delivered to us so I left the bathroom and began singing the “Mr Hankey” song from South Park as I helped Anna get ready.
“Papa, who is Mr. Hankey?” she asked. Her little eyes were big with wonder and excitement as she posed this eternal question to me. I had a lump as big as Eli’s morning delivery in my throat as I told her that this was not the year to learn of the wonders of Mr. Hankey, and that when she was old enough, we would share in the magical story together. Perhaps around the fire with steaming mugs of hot chocolate and warm fuzzy sweaters.
They grow up so fast I tell ya. It’s moments like this this that make the holiday season so exciting and magical . I am thankful for the story of Mr. Hankey, and I can’t wait to share it with Anna and Eli some day in the future. Until then, the faint calling of "Heigh-di-ho" will have to wait. Some day my children, some day.

Fatherhood Friday: from Bloghungry, what do you want us to know?

This week, and this past month have been stressful for sure. I won’t lie, I am phoning this one in as I don’t have the time or energy to sit down and compose a big, brand new blog entry. Once next week is done, and the winter break begins, I can start focusing on some of the ideas that have been running around in my head but haven’t made it to the computer. This was posted a few weeks back by Adam at Bloghungry. We’re both new parents this year (me, again, him for the first time with his partner) and he had these pearls of wisdom to share. I asked if I could repost and he kindly obliged.

Since I entered fatherhood I have gone back to work two 6 hour days a week. That means that the other 156 hours a week are usually spent caring for an infant. This time has become an intense balance of cuteness and exhaustion that no one can ever understand that has not centered their life around it. That said, there are a few things I need to send out into the universe to help the world become a better place for new dads:

1. Do not offer criticism thinly veiled as advice to complete strangers on how to care for their children. Several times a day strangers offer me their two cents, as if to say "you're doing it wrong" about everything from the color of baby clothes to the suggestion of old world baby remedies. Combined with the stacks of baby books, internet articles, and dueling grandparent advice, it's enough to drive an already insane person postal.

2. If you see an overburdened parent carrying a diaper bag, shopping bags, and a baby take a second to hold the door for them or try to give them room to enter or exit the building.

3. Do not assume you have the right to cut in line or expect any special treatment from a sleep deprived dad with a screaming infant because you are a woman that believes in "chivalry".

4. When making plans to meet with a new parent you must be on time. Nap times, bed times, feeding schedules, and daily errands are often tightly scheduled and if missed can end in tears for all parties.

Great stuff Adam! What would you add to the list? I would like to add the people who give disapproving looks at us when we’re at restaurants and Eli makes a loud noise. We are always very careful to make sure we are out the door by 6 at the latest and we tend to go to family oriented places so we’re not messing up someone’s date night.

What are your thoughts?

Comment away.