There is a meme floating around the internets that likens
being a parent to being a rock star. At first, I passed thinking it wasn't me,
but as I reread the 10 points, I began nodding in agreement and images from my
life as a parent flashed in my head.
1.
Endless
hours on the road with too many people in the vehicle. Not so much for us.
Our daily commutes are less than 15 minutes and we divide and conquer to get
the kids to school. However, road trips across the state to visit either
grandparent’s house can be a major test of nerve and sanity.
2.
Your job
is to entertain a room full of loud, writhing maniacs. See above. Sometimes
Nick Jr. or the Disney Channel will do the entertaining. Sometimes it’s an Ipad
or Kindle. Meal times at our place often resemble the video “The One Thing” by
INXS, complete with the cat roaming around on the dining room table.
3.
If you do
your job well, people will ask you to produce more. Okay, we’ll only be a
two album band, and thankfully for us there are no such things as surprise adoptions.
4.
You ask
yourself daily, “Am I tripping? Or did I just see that?” Just when you
think you have seen your kids do every crazy or dangerous thing, something else
happens and you are thankful that you didn't have to call 911.
5.
Your name
is always shouted, never spoken. Our daughter rarely talks, she goes right
to screaming. With the way she screams “PAPA! ELI IS (insert little brother
mischief here)!!!” you’d think he was hitting her with a baseball bat. Granted,
that has happened, and the offending weapon has been retired. Having someone
make a face at you is NOT a reason to scream bloody murder.
6.
Someone is
always pulling at your clothes. Yup, just the other day, I was crashed on
the couch watching TV in my pajama pants. Eli comes up, pulls them down and smacks
my ass. Nice. Not even a hello or a get out. Instead, all I got was a “I
spanked your booty!” and a giggle.
7.
Groupies
follow you to the bathroom. We have one bathroom in our 107 year-old home
that has a workable lock. It is my fortress of solitude in the morning. While
using the bathroom connected to our bedroom one morning, both kids, the cat,
and our dog all managed to get in the bathroom whilst I pooped. I doubt
Superman went to his fortress to poop, but I wouldn't blame him.
8.
There’s a
different person in your bed every night. Sometimes even two. Thankfully
the kids are now sleeping on their own and aside from the occasional bad dream or
puking, we rarely get nocturnal visitors. However, in the morning we will all
pile up on the bed and watch some cartoons together. Fathers’ Day is another
day that our breakfast (donuts and juice) are brought to us and we all eat and
hang out. The linens and comforter all go straight to the laundry afterwards.
Not because of crabs, booze and vomit, but because of spilled juice, crumbs and
assorted other messes.
9.
At the end
of your day, you’re sweaty and your hair is a mess. Meh, this was me BEFORE
I had kids.
10.
Screaming
is part of the job. I swear to god, I sound like the lead singer for Linkin
Park some days. And yet, for all the screaming and yelling at 11, sometimes
it’s like I am on mute and they didn't even hear me. I can be two feet from
them, and in a normal voice say “don’t do (insert stupid kid thing here).” And
the behavior continues. I will repeat “don’t do (insert stupid kid thing here)”
at a louder volume and usually they are startled enough to stop whatever kid
thing they were doing. And yes grandmothers, we've had their hearing checked
and it’s completely fine.
So, are we rock stars as parents? I think so. Some mornings
I wake up feeling like Steven Tyler looks, but I soldier on. You have to bring
it to the stage each and every day. You have to break through your lack of
sleep and kick it out of the stadium even if you are hung over or exhausted
from an early evening out with your friends. From now on, I plan to start each
day with the portable sound system we got for tailgating and scream down the
hall to wake the kids…
“Check. Check. Sibilant. Sibilant.”
And then, with the speaker at 11…
“HELLO JACKSON! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK AND ROLL?!!!”
