Teach your children well

On the way home from the grocery this afternoon, I put in a CD of a “Kiss the Future” mix from our buddy Jeb in San Francisco. Anna asked “what’s that noise” and I told her that it was Jeb’s mix. She then responded, “He’s the guy that married us right?”

It was a little hard to drive as I was both laughing and kind of getting choked up at her rather mature, but yet toddler-esque observation of what happened back in August. We talked about San Francisco and how we did indeed get married out there and Anna then asked “what is Jeb’s husband’s name again?”

I think it’s great that she has no issues with gender when it comes to marriage. This comment from her was not provoked or coached, but is rather the product of her upbringing. While some may be upset that we are pushing our agenda on her, the truth is, we are not. We are simply living our lives and she is reacting to what she is witnessing.

And, for the record, Jeb’s husband is Thomas, and he’s a great guy!

No place like home

A previous post from Live Journal, now a chapter in THE BOOK:

It was two years ago this week that we finally made it back to Michigan with Anna. Due to the various legal issues involved with interstate adoption, and the fact that she was born close to Thanksgiving made the whole process slow to a crawl. Throw in the fact that November is also National Adoption Month, and you get a whole judicial system that was clogged with en masse finalizations and other celebrations that put our little situation on the back burner. We were lucky to be able to stay at my parent’s house during this time. Yes, it was stressful, but we have heard tales of people holing up in cheap hotels for months on end while their adoption is finalized in a foreign country. We at least had free WiFi, and cable at my folk’s, and safe drinking water.
I had ventured back to Jackson a couple of times after Anna was born to check on the house, get mail, and check in at the college. Tod had not, since he was Anna’s guardian at the time. We didn’t feel comfortable having him out of the state should anything happen. We could go ANYWHERE in the state of Ohio with her… all the way down to the West Virginia border, over to the Pennsylvania border, or down to the Kentucky border… we just couldn’t cross any state lines with her until the papers cleared both states. Our lone trip away from my parents’ house was to visit Tod’s brother and his wife over the Thanksgiving weekend. Since they also live in Ohio we were good to go.

Each day we waited in hopes of returning to our home to start our new life with her. I will go on record as saying that time did indeed stand still for us for those three long weeks. Our families were busy getting ready for the holidays and we were stuck sitting on the couch watching day time TV and playing with Anna when she was awake. I have never longed to be home so much in my entire life. It was difficult to establish any kind of routine, as it wasn’t our place. We didn’t know how a baby would fit in to our home. We had conceptualized it in our minds, but we really had no idea.

How will a two storey house work with late night bottle feedings?
Will it be warm enough?
Do we have her in the right room?
How will the pets react to her?
About a month after she was born, we decided to both go back to Jackson for the night together without our daughter. Tod had a professional development workshop he was supposed to attend and was eager for the change, and I had to get back to work as it was coming up on finals week. We packed up my car to the roof and headed north after begrudgingly leaving her with her new grandparents. We were both nervous, as this was the first time we had both been away from her together, and the nervousness showed in our voices and our chatter as we headed out of town.
As we entered the city limits of Jackson, Tod’s phone rang. It was Monica, our lawyer. She asked where we were, and we told her that we had just pulled into Jackson. She quickly asked if we had the baby, and we assured her that we did not. Sure as shit, not even two minutes after we entered the city without Anna, we were finally cleared to bring her back to Michigan. The paperwork was finally done.
We both cheered and immediately called my folks to have them start packing up Anna for her journey back to Jackson. In retrospect, it was a good thing that we did make this trip without her, as the month down in Ohio had generated a lot of stuff for us. Dirty clothes, new baby gear, gifts, and other items associated with new parents. I don’t think we would have had room for her if we wanted. I had visions of the Joad family heading west from Oklahoma. We weren’t Okies looking for work, we were two new Dads without a clue.

We pulled in to our house, quickly unloaded and went to drive back to Ohio. Oscar, Tod’s dog, would not leave his side. He followed Tod each time he went to the car and demanded his attention. His behavior was a little needy, but we understood his missing Tod and packed him up in the car for the trip back to my folk’s. Little did he know how his life would change as this new source of fun and never ending food came into his life. When we arrived back in Perrysburg, Oscar ran in, gave their dog Darby a quick sniff and then went straight to Anna to size her up.
We had promised Hillary, Anna’s Mom that we would stop by on the way home. I wasn’t looking forward to this last goodbye, as the day we took Anna home from the hospital was a bleak and depressing day for all involved. What was supposed to be a joyous and happy day for Tod and I was filled with tears and sobbing. We called and let them know that we would be stopping by for a brief visit. We picked up our daughter, said a tearful, but thankful goodbye to my parents and headed out to see her Mom. The visit went well, as Hillary had some of her friends over to meet Anna and her new Dads. The sadness that prevailed at the hospital was replaced with joy and happiness as Anna moved into her new home in Michigan. It wasn’t a final goodbye, but a goodbye for now.

We pulled into Jackson late in the evening. I had imagined a cheerful photo for her baby book with Tod and me holding her on our front porch as we went in for the first time as a new family. Instead, under the cover of darkness, we snuck our new little bundle into OUR house, locked the door and went to bed exhausted but happy. The first few days and weeks back in Jackson were wild. We attempted to retain some sense of normalcy in our lives, but we quickly realized that there was a new sheriff in town and she was callin’ the shots.
My most vivid memory of those first few days back was the insanity of us trying to get our Christmas tree in the front door while Anna cried in the background. Our friend from church stopped by and saw that we were both out on the porch struggling with the tree. She immediately asked where the baby was and climbed over the tree to go see her, shaking her head and muttering under her breath. I think she was questioning the Judge’s decision to place this little baby with two complete morons. She took care of Anna for us for a moment, and we began to set up the tree. When I was in college, I worked for Jacobson’s, so I became pretty adept at setting up trees and decorating for the holidays. Not so much anymore. What used to be an afternoon of intense work turned into several weeks of “can I get it done in time?” insanity.
During our time in Ohio, we became very close with Hillary and her family and friends, but we desperately wanted to be with our friends back home. That first weekend home, we took Anna out for her Jackson debut. We met our friends at one of our favorite restaurants for dinner and a celebration of some kind. I don’t remember what we were celebrating, but I do know that Anna stole the show and stole everyone’s hearts.

We had become regular members at Hillary’s church in Toledo during our time in Ohio. We found many similarities to their church and ours, as they are both United Methodists, the one big difference being the Rainbow flag on their altar and the mostly LGBT congregation in attendance each Sunday. Their church was a fully welcoming and reconciling church, and we were accepted as a new family with open arms. We weren’t sure what to expect with our church, as it was an older congregation and we had heard that folks were a little concerned with us adopting. Never mind the fact that we were Gay… ADOPTING???

That first Sunday at Trinity was a whirlwind of smiling faces, hearty handshakes and hugs. Anna was whisked from our arms the moment we walked in the door and was passed from person to person during the time before the service. We went and sat down in our regular seats in the back of the sanctuary, this time with Anna sleeping on Tod’s shoulder. During the announcements, our minister, Pastor Bea came over to our pew and took Anna from Tod. She walked around with Anna in her arms and passed by each pew, introducing her to the congregation and charging them with her care and upbringing. Bea drew a line in the sand for us, challenging the congregation to accept and welcome this little girl into their lives without prejudice, living up to the UMC’s motto of: Open Doors, Open Hearts, and Open Minds. We’ll never know for sure who was against us coming to the church and adopting a child, and at this point, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that we were home, physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and in the immortal words of Dorothy Gale, “there’s no place like home.”

My Hero

I spent the day yesterday at Tod’s school talking to his team’s students about the local oratorical contest addressing art and culture. The question posed by the group sponsoring the contest asked a pretty long-haired question, so Tod’s team asked me to come in and get all college like on their kids. We put together a pretty interesting and funny presentation, and I headed off to talk to the kids for the day. I didn’t identify myself with my last name, since it’s the same as Tod’s; rather, I was just Professor Tom. The day went well and I had a pretty good time talking with the kids about art and the stuff they see each day around town here in Jackson. The kids were respectful and seemed to like what we were talking about (especially Tim Hawkinson’s art).

But after school, the drama began. A young woman who was very attentive and involved in my first group came up to Tod after class and said:

"I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I have been hearing from a lot of people that you are Gay".

Tod’s reply… "So?"

And her response… she looked at him and walked away.

It amazes me the amount of chutzpah some of these kids have. I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking any of my teachers anything like that when I was in school. I accidentally found my 5th grade teacher smoking behind the dining hall when we were at camp one year (I was taking out our cabin’s trash). I thought I was dead, that I had unwillingly crossed some line that would have me expelled or worse yet, talked to by the Principal. But apparently it’s open season now. I came in one afternoon to pick up Anna while Tod did Market Day and a young boy came up to me and said: "how is she related to you?" while pointing at Anna. I didn’t know what to say so I just looked at him and moved on.

But apparently you can just give them some of their own medicine and they crumble. Tod’s response of “So?” said very little in quantity, but it spoke volumes in terms of message:

I DON’T CARE YOU NOSEY LITTLE BITCH AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!

Class dismissed.

1 Toddler 1 Cup

Of pudding that is...

Nothing like a good ol' bowl of chocolate pudding to end your evening.
Not quite sure what YOU were thinking about.

I robot

We have a backpack from Family Week that we use each week at the library. Anna can fill the thing up with as many books as she wants from the kid’s area. They just have to fit in the bag.

1. It keeps the books in order and easily found for return, keeping the fines down to a minimum.
2. It gives her a quest each week when we attack the various branches around town.

Sometimes she fills it with the board books; sometimes it’s a “whatever” situation and she just starts tossing arbitrary books in the bag. This is how we came up with the “SPACE ART” book from last week. We got home and headed to the living room to check out the books. Tod helped her pick a few to read and the space art book was one. They looked at all the projects and marked the pages that they wanted to do.

One of the pages was making your own robot. She loves her Yo Gabba Gabba and is fond of Plex, the yellow robot overlord of the YG2 crowd. So, I gathered up some recycling and a few art supplies that I just happened to have on hand and we began our experiment in toddler arts n’ crafts. Mind you, I am certified K 12 art, but this was a whole different ball of yarn. While most kids are compliant and just want to make something, Anna had to experiment and stack and restack, and experiment some more and wear my very patience to the ground. Remember, I am used to whiny college students who usually don’t have an idea from the get-go. Anna had 1, 000 ideas and was bound and determined to test them all out.

We finally figured out a basic body and Tod taped it all together for hot gluing later. The robot in the book was silver and covered in foil. I had some silver paint in my studio so I thought we could just paint the thing silver. Didn’t work. So, it ended up being a rather tarnished gold color. We spent yesterday afternoon accessorizing the creature with stickers and bangles.

As any good toddler with two Daddies knows: the only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.

Behold the finished product

While some may protest that little girls shouldn’t be making robots, we’re happy to announce that after the above bot was done, Anna promptly remarked that she wanted to make a Princess Robot. I told her that there had already been a Princess Robot and its name was Princess Di.


But it was prone to crashing.

Anna and W

My only disappointment concerning Anna’s birth was the fact that George W. Bush was in office the year she was born. We have left her baby books empty on that page, as we’d really like to think that he wasn’t, but the sad reality is that he was, and for eight years, America suffered.

I remember sitting in Applebee’s election night 2004 and all the televisions were on the various news channels monitoring the results. As the results moved towards Bush again, one of the servers walked by our table and did a high five with his coworker and shouted, “Four more years baby!” Now I am not a violent person by nature, but I wanted to pick up a chair, break it over his head and then stab him in the face with a broken chair leg. While some of the most amazing and wonderful things in my life have happened in the past eight years, they are all marred by the fact that Bush was in office.

For many, he is a hero, a misunderestimastood kind of guy who just likes to clear brush and feel up German dignitaries, but for me, he’s a symbol of all that was wrong with America eight years ago. The Culture Wars were starting, and the Gays were tossed under the Evangelical Bus to assist W. in his climb to power. Both 2000 and 2004 saw a variety of ballot initiatives aimed at the Religious Right/Evangelical camp: Gay marriage and Gay adoption being the top two.

The campaigns here in Jackson County witnessed increasingly vicious ads run by the top two Republican contenders, the nastiest ones coming from Rick Baxter, a one term state rep who used his position as a County Commissioner to enact an unnecessary “Defense of Marriage” proclamation here in Jackson several years prior. This got him on the Conservative radar and helped get him elected. Thankfully, he was only one term and was soundly beat by Martin Griffin last election.

For a political group that seems so focused on the family (ahem) their actions were decidedly against LGBT families. Instead of helping families grow, their actions and resolutions hurt LGBT families by restricting benefits and custody of children. But then many of the Republican/Religious Right idols began to fall. I listened with glee as Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, and Larry Craig all met their ironic downfalls. The 2006 midterm election saw a glimmer of hope for the country, as the Republicans and their ilk lost much of their clout and their credibility.

For the past eight years I have been an American, but not proud of that fact. When Obama was elected in November, that all changed. A new chapter in America’s history starts today, our first African-American President. Many of you might not know that Anna is multi-ethnic, so we have been watching this election with an eye not only for America’s future, but for our daughter’s and her mother as well. Anything is possible in America, and today we show the world just how true those words are.

Olivia on Nick Jr.

I had just started at JCC when the first "Olivia" book came out. I remember walking into our faculty offices one morning and our Children's Literature Professor was reading snippets from the book and laughing hysterically. The scene in the award-winning book that had us all laughing was when Olivia starts her day by moving the cat.

Seriously, it’s funny.

Long before Anna was born, I went out and bought the first book, and it remains one of my favorites. The simple story of a very urban and culturally-smart pig and her family stole my heart. When they go to the beach, Olivia builds a sand version of the Empire State building. When they go to the Met, she stares at a Degas imagining that she is a ballet. When she sees a Pollack, she exclaims out loud that she could, indeed do that. Ian Falconer wrote the books for his sister’s family and made all the characters pigs because he believes that pigs look like kids with their big heads. I won’t lie, there is a pretty strong Gay sensibility in the stories, but that’s what makes them so refreshing. I am not sure what the author’s sexuality is, but I think he plays for our team. Olivia dreams of being a Supreme Court Justice and demands that Maria Callas’s biography be her bed time story. Honestly, how many heterosexuals know who Callas is or would even imagine hanging an Eleanor Roosevelt poster in their child’s room?
I began sharing this book with Anna the minute we were back home in Jackson from Ohio. She didn’t mind that we read it night after night, but she fell in love with the book, and we now own them all. Imagine our glee when an ad came on for the new “Olivia” cartoon on Nick Jr. Okay, I was stoked, Anna wanted more SpongeBob. I have set the DVR for next week when the show debuts.

Here are the details that I found on the web:

Nickelodeon has partnered with media content company Chorion to bring the bestselling Simon & Schuster Olivia books to life in a new animated TV series. The debut of this pre-school series is planned for the first quarter of 2009. Nickelodeon plans to launch the new 3D CGI series, which will include 26 half-hour episodes during the first quarter. Academy Award-nominated animation studio Brown Bag Films will be animating the project, and Teri Weiss will be the executive in charge with Chorion executive vice-president Diana Manson and creative director Megan Laughton. "Early in the development process, Ian encouraged us to consider 3D CGI for the adaptation to television," said Manson. "It was a brilliant idea, and it inspired us to find Brown Bag Films. They have been a wonderful partner, as have the team at Nickelodeon." Books will be featured prominently in the upcoming consumer products rollout. The Simon Spotlight and Simon Scribbles imprints of Simon and Schuster will be developing a robust television tie-in program with a myriad of formats, from storybooks to novelty and coloring books set to launch in late 2009. Olivia's imagination leads the way in this new series, which aims to foster the sense of make-believe and play that every pre-schooler has. The show will encourage children to be creative and to think beyond the scope of everyday parameters, instilling a sense that with a strong imagination, there are endless possibilities for any great idea. Mostly, the show, like this character, celebrates a spunky, confident personality who is always wondering "What if?"

Set your DVR, you won’t be disappointed.

Hallmark Christmas?

This was from last month, but I felt it was worth posting again for those that hadn't read it...

Yesterday was pretty much a perfect Christmas day, if there is such a monster. It was as if Norman Rockwell and Martha Stewart mated in a holy union of holiday perfection over our house. I have much over the past week or so lamenting the holidays, and I have had much sympathy for those who are struggling during these trying times. But Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were great here in Jackson, Michigan, and I think one of the reasons why is that we are looking at Christmas and the holidays through the eyes of a three year old.

I will admit, Anna wasn’t much fun her first two Christmases. Babies are pretty much boring and decidedly not festive.

Eat, poop, sleep, repeat.

While for some, that may make the perfect holiday, it doesn’t do much for me. This year however, it was magical. We had a fine meal on Christmas Eve and then headed out to the “Night Lights” at the fairgrounds. It’s a drive through light show that is pretty cool. Anna was released from her car seat and got to roam around the car (it’s a Britney Spear’s Christmas!) as we drove through the display. We headed then to our church for a candle light service where we were tapped to light the final candle on the advent wreath. It was quite an honor considering we are noobs at the church. Anna then slept through the rest of it, even as the organist blasted a thundering “Joy to the world” from the 100 year old pipe organ. We put her back to bed after reading “The Night before Christmas” to her and we sat as a family in front of the fire and drank wine.
We got a few hours of sleep and then the fun started. Presents, talk of Santa, more presents, all while a gentle snow fell outside. I had to check myself a few times to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. While some of you are probably rolling your eyes and throwing up, I just have to say that dammit, it’s about fucking time something goes right at Christmas, because many of my memories around this holiday are pretty damn awful. Let’s review…

· The first few Christmases after Grandpa Oakley died back in the seventies, Grandma Oakley didn’t drive, so she ended up taking the bus up from southern Ohio, or my Mom had to make the perilous journey down to get her. To me, Grandma O was Christmas, and it just wasn’t the same without her at our home.
· The year before my Grandpa Holdgreve died. We could see that he is not long for this world, and indeed he wasn’t. You can see it in our faces as well. The pictures from that year are gruesome to look at as Grandpa was as white as a snowman.
· The year my Mom got sick and we didn’t know what was wrong. The word Lupus was going around, as well as cancer. It ended up being rheumatoid arthritis. My Dad, brother, and I were all in the basement watching a movie and my Mom was stuck in the bathtub upstairs as she couldn’t get out. She laid in the water until one of us finally heard her yelling for help over the movie.
· The year my boyfriend Steve got sick with lymphoma and was in Colorado visiting his family. He had just found out he was HIV positive as well, so this was not good news for anyone. I felt helpless as I listened to him and his family talk on the phone trying to keep happy tones and attitudes while in a hospital’s cancer ward. And then…
· The year that Steve died, on Christmas day. The phone message from his Mom said that he had “made his transition and was in a better place.” My first thoughts each Christmas mornings are of Steve.
· The year I met Tod, but this is several months before we started dating. My relationship with my ex was on the rocks and it was very painful to be with my family. My brother had just gotten married to much fanfare and this was their first Christmas as a married couple. It was also the first Christmas my Grandma Oakley was not at our house for the entire holiday, as she was in the nursing home. I have never felt so alone in all my life.
· The year that we found out a friend from church was killed the day before Christmas Eve in a senseless family argument. He and his family had lit the love candle on the advent wreath at our former church a few weeks prior. I remember his wife being very emotional. It was as if she knew something was going to happen.

So yeah, humor me and allow me on Hallmark Channel Christmas just this once.

Getting started...

As some of you know, I am writing THE BOOK on our adoption process. I have committed to an hour a day of writing, more if the inspiration is there. Some of my old posts from LJ are going into THE BOOK and will help define/write chapters, etc. I will be posting snippets from what I write each day as I would love to hear what you have to say about what I am writing.

Now, I am not asking you to be my editors, rather, I am asking for your comments on the feel of the text and if you want to know more. A lot of the books we read ventured into “too much information-land” and we don’t want to do that. Nor do we want to leave you scratching your head wondering what we were thinking.

So here's what I wrote this morning:
I was putting up the Christmas tree in our attic last year and Anna was busy playing and half watching Cailou on television. Anna and I have the ability to be in the room together and do our separate things without being in each other’s space, even back then as a two year old. We play a Marco Polo of sorts, it’s our version of sonar and it helps me keep in touch with her without being obtrusive. So as we pinged our comments back and forth to each other, we both carried on with the tasks at hand.

Me: Hey look, it’s one of Papa’s former student’s ornaments, isn’t it pretty?

Anna: Cailou is playing outside now

Me: Do you like Bugs Bunny?

Anna: Cailou has a coat on.

Me: Look, it’s Tinky Winky!

Anna: Cailou has a Mommy.

Great silence in the room. I go about my business.

Anna: Cailou has a Daddy.

More crickets chirping, I break out in a cold sweat.

Anna: Cailou has a Mommy and Daddy.

I put down the Yukon Cornelius ornament that I was about to hang up and gather my thoughts. I calmly ask, “What does Anna have?” and she responds as only a two year old can:

Anna has Daddy and Papa.

And she got a big smile on her face and went on with whatever she was doing. I broke out in tears and rushed over to give her the biggest hug I have ever given her. We had been asked how we would talk to Anna about her family structure, and we shared our home study ready answers with whoever asked. As teachers, we tend to over think just about everything in our lives, this being no different. It took a simple cartoon on television to show me that kids are really in tune, regardless of their age. I used to think that toddlers and babies were pretty much lumps, but now I realize that they aren’t lumps, but rather sponges, taking in everything in their environment.