Fatherhood Friday post: Getting ready to hit the road

The waiting continues both here and in Ohio. News from my brother is that the bio Dad is contesting paternity, so they have to wait until the end of August for a court date to settle all this. Until then, Olivia waits in foster care and they continue to drive to visit her until the final placement. This is all very strange considering the bio Mom has signed off already. While I am all for Father’s rights, this seems to be a lost cause as he is currently homeless and has several other issues that would send the child back to foster care should he attempt to parent in the first place. In the mean time, important bonding time is clicking by because this ass can’t get his shit together.
With us, the visits are getting longer and Elijah is getting into the rhythm of life with us and his new big sister. The baby gates are back up and we have his room set up and stocked with diapers/wipes and some of the goodies we saved from Anna’s early years. Anna’s first pair of black Chuck Taylor’s hung next to my desk after she outgrew them but now they are back in the drawer in Eli’s room ready for that first hipster Dad/Son moment.
We’re soon off to Rainbow Families Great Lakes annual Family Week in Saugatuck, MI. The first year we went, Anna was eight months old, and we felt a little lost, as we didn’t know then ins and outs of this event. We stayed in a hotel in Holland, MI and drove the 40 minute drive each day to the events, getting naps in for Anna when we could. Now that we are veterans, we’ve rented condos and homes and this year we are sharing a house with two Dads and their daughter for the short time we’ll be there. The week is full of activities and chances to get to know some other LGBT Families. Last year was the first year that both of our parents came in. There was a magical yet stressful 36 hour period when our house was brimming with eight adults and two kids.
Crazy but fun. The first year we went had Tod’s Kia packed to the brim with stuff just for one kid. We totally over packed, and I was beat before we even hit the highway. I called my parents and thanked them for all the great trips we took as kids. I now have a greater appreciation for their efforts and am very grateful.
Evenings at Family Week are spent on the beach drinking wine and watching the sun set into the west over Lake Michigan while the kids play in the sand. It’s usually too cold to swim, but there are some brave ones who will attempt the icy water at dusk. Most of us are content to sit and chill after a day playing in the sun. We’re excited to have Elijah joining us this year, and can’t wait to introduce him to all his new Family Week friends.
You can read more about Rainbow Families here:
http://www.rfgl.org/

Tentative families

Tentative Families: starting a family through adoption.

As you can see by my distinct lack of posts, we have been pretty busy over the past few weeks. Since our first visit with Elijah, we have been spending more and more time with him and his foster parents while the wheels of bureaucracy slowly turn towards his permanent placement with us, or, as Anna likes to say, his “forever family.” And, to make life even more exciting, my brother and sister in law are doing the same thing with their adoptive child. They may actually have placement before we do, as their court date is this week, so Anna and Elijah will have a new cousin to play with soon. But in the mean time we wait.

Just as we are doing with Eli, my brother and sister in law have to do the same thing with Olivia. She is in foster care to the south of them in Ohio and they visit her regularly. This tentativeness that comes with adoption is something that scares a lot of prospective parents off of the process of family by adoption.

The not knowing, the uncertainty, or the devastating outcome of a birthparent changing their mind were all things that we discussed over a family dinner with my brother as we both began this journey around the same time a few years ago.

My sister in law was very worried about bonding with a child and then losing it after the birth mom changed their mind. And, indeed this did happen to them back in November. I was thrilled to have Obama as a president, but the passing of Proposition 8 in California (and our legal marriage brought into question) and the news that I was no longer an uncle cast a cloud of depression over our family.

There are many uncertainties associated with adoption, private or through foster care, and we were ready to face them. Anna was finally our child on June 6, 2006 (yes that would be 6/6/6 for those who weren’t paying attention), but Anna wasn’t officially mine for another three and half months. That muggy day in September when Tod and I (both) finally became her legal parents was a day that I will always remember. I cried, I sobbed, I gulped for air, and I finally felt like I couldbreathe and she was mine, and no one could change that. If you're in a non-opposite marriage (thanks Former Miss California!) you don't have to worry about this shit. But if you're in a same sex marriage,you better worry. You betcha.

But with Elijah, my level of concern isn’t as high, as we know that this will take some time and that we are dealing with multiple agencies at the state level. So we soldier on and deal with the late night deliveries to the foster parent’s home to the north, because we know that eventually he well be here with us forever.

And we can’t wait.

Thing one and Thing two

Our first mini road trip to Ann Arbor to drop off my artwork at the Gallery Project.
They got along fine in the back, no major problems to report.

This will make the trek to Saugatuck next week much more interesting.

The meeting with Eli and Anna went well last week. It was the perfect Father’s Day for us. We went to church and then came back home for a lunch of smoked turkey and grilled veggies. After that, we headed north for the big introduction.
Anna was a bit off the week before, as she knew what was going on. Her behavior bordered on crazed at times. I contemplated calling the neighbors just to let them know that we were NOT beating her. The screaming reached epic proportions at times. Her behavior, which can be oppositional at times, went beyond oppositional to downright naughty. We had a discussion with one of our friends and he remarked “Well, she IS a Princess you know.” I think she realized that her monarchy was crumbling as there was a Prince coming in to help her rule.

We got to the foster parent’s home and all was well. Anna was happy to meet her new brother and charmed the foster parents with her insane cuteness. The foster Mom went out and bought Tod and I Father’s Day cards. Apparently she searched 3 or 4 different stores to find a Papa card for me and couldn’t locate one. I was incredibly touched by this lovely gesture and will hold on to this very first card, even though the adoption is not yet finalized.

We played, we talked, and we watched the two new siblings get to know each other. Sharing is not a new concept for Anna as she has to at day care, but this was meeting Eli on his turf and he had all the goods. It will be interesting to see how she does today when he comes to see his new house for the first time. His room is set up, and Anna has been jumping into the crib to relive her infant days. We have a big blue Ikea bag full of her old toys set aside for Eli, but she has been dipping in the bag to reclaim ownership. She lights up when we ask her who is coming over today, we’ll see if that mood sticks.

Anna was pretty mellow and laid back on Monday, and we spent the day at the pool swimming and hanging out in the sun. Apparently Eli was wiped out as well, as we got this note from his foster Mom:
Eli was definitely a whipped puppy! After you guys left I offered him a bottle (even though he hadn't had one in three days, I'm bad!!). I thought it would sooth him and settle him down so he could sleep well. You know how you sleep when you're over tired. He drank about an ounce and lapsed into a coma! I had to wake him up to get him ready for the doctor's appointment and that wasn't until 10:30! He took a four hour nap then a two hour nap around supper time. Then to bed at 8:45! HAHAHA

Perhaps Anna will get back into the napping mode once Eli is here. We can only hope.

Meeting my son

The day finally came. I was nervous with anticipation as I knew that later that night I would be meeting my son for the first time. Oh sure, I have read his medical and social history, so I feel like I pretty much know all I could about him. And then there were the pictures. Pictures speak a thousand words they say, but for me, I am the Doubting Thomas, I had to see him in person. I had to hold him, I had to play with him, and I had to see how he would respond to me as a person. He doesn’t know me as Papa yet, but after an hour or so, he was coming to me and bringing me his toys.
He’s a great kid; his smile can light up a room. He doesn’t talk yet, so he’s noisy in his attempt to communicate with us. Grunts, yells, and banging of toys are his main ways of communicating now, but according to his foster parents, he’s moving closer and closer to forming words each day. I am leaving my hearing aids home when we go and see him on Father’s Day.
He’s also walking quite a bit. He looks like a spider monkey when he walks, as he keeps his hands above his head as he toddles along.
We had a great visit, sharing stories and spending time getting to know the foster parents. They told us all they knew about Elijah and did their best to fill us in on his first year of life. The foster Mom is making us a book of his early life for him to take and have as a record of this time with them. I am thrilled that she is doing this for him and for us. We know so much about the bad that has happened to him, it will be nice to know the good.
So now we wait. Visits are lined up and we’re moving closer and closer to the day when he comes to stay with us for good.
Eli has an audience with Miss Anna on Sunday, their first meeting. If you feel the earth shake, it’s the two forces of extreme cuteness colliding north of Jackson. We hope it’s a good meeting.

Cedar Point Memories

I asked my online friends to share their Cedar Point memories… here are some of their responses:

"One of my best Cedar Point memories was going with my Mom, Step Dad and brothers when I was in high school - the early to mid 80's. The Gemini was the new coaster and we had a blast riding on it. Mom didn't ride but the rest of us did if I remember correctly. That's ok Mom, I don't do coasters anymore either.:)

Another good memory was going with some of my classmates during high school. I think it was our Senior year. The park itself was fun but what I really enjoyed was the ride there and back. We went without any adults and that was such a great feeling of freedom!!! Good times....."

"The summer after my senior year, (the Corkscrew was new), me and some buddies had season tickets. We worked third shift so three days of the week we would get out of work, ride our motorcycles to a gym in Sandusky, get a work out in and then go ride the rides for a few hours. Also, and as our anniversary was yesterday, Wendy and I spent two night holed up in the Breakers during our honeymoon. It was cold and rainy, so most of the time was spent in our room. ;)"

From one of my diminutive friends:
"Being too short to go on the rides! (no surprise there huh?)"

"sneaking "things" onto the skyride. The upside down house, the big fat french fries covered in vinegar and ketchup (fries are not the same at all) Being able to wear a tube top (would be wearing it around waist level these days)
Enjoy yourself!! We love Camp Snoopy and the breakers Hotel."

"The last two years of high school I was able to go probably five times-- and I'd NEVER been ANY place like Cedar Point before that. Always I went with friends, and it was giving me a sense of what life would be like in the future, when you could CHOOSE with whom and how to spend your time...No matter what else they added, I always loved the Blue Streak the best. I rode it seven times one trip-- I always felt so free on it...That last summer, when it finally looked certain I would survive my childhood and escape to the UM to begin an adult life-- that was the best time of all, because I had such hope for my future being OK now. The last time I went was with my husband and in-laws, the year after, when I was 19. I'd never gone for an overnight to Sandusky so I was SO excited...and so CRAZY in love, and happy to ride all the rides with him...."


"I can't wait till the kids are all old enough to take them there. I have been there four times and have never been able to ride anything; I was either too small or too pregnant...lol. So I'm really looking forward to enjoying all of that for the first time with the five of them."

"I took Don on his first roller coaster in many (many!) years, and he spent the entire ride chanting "I will live through this. I will live through this. I will live through this..." Needless to say, that was h

Blogging for LGBT Families Day

This is my submission for the National Blogging for LGBT Families Day. This was one of the first chapters I wrote for the book.



When we first began talking about starting a family, our intentions were kept under wraps for a few months. I will admit that both Tod and I are pretty focused on what we do and what we want. And as teachers, we tend to over think most everything we do. Not that doing that is necessarily a bad thing. We decided to keep our desire for a family in the closet, as we wanted to test the water and see how things would float with our immediate circle of friends. We also wanted to make sure we could actually do this and make it happen before we got everyone excited and involved.

We also felt it was necessary to tell our parents together, as we didn’t want either one to know before the others. You know how grandparents get. We also wanted to make sure that they both found out at the same time. The logistics were a little daunting at first, but we finally found a weekend when both of them could make the trip to Jackson for the weekend. We couched the weekend as a chance to relax and visit and nothing more. Tod and I hadn’t really discussed the actual telling; we just got busy with getting them settled and getting started with dinner. It was early spring, so it was right in the middle of Lent. My folks had given up alcohol for the season and were happy chatting away with water and soda as we nibbled on appetizers and snacks. The time came for another bottle of wine to be opened (it was a family visit after all), and as the classes were filled my Dad proposed a toast to family, and I blurted out, “And to extending ours!”

If you remember any sketch comedy from the seventies, often times there would be a sound effect of a needle being pulled off of a record to simulate a break in concentration/conversation/etc. In my mental soundtrack that night, after I said that, my sound effects team supplied that sound bite in my head. The room became quiet, and I glanced at Tod who was staring at me with wide open eyes. As mentioned, we hadn’t really discussed HOW we were going to tell them, but this seemed like as good of time as any.

The questions started a second later as glasses were raised to drink. When the parents realized that they would not be grandparents to yet another dog or cat and that this was an actual human child, hoots, hollers, and tears started to flow from all of us as this revelation was processed. The wine flowed as well, as my Dad mentioned that God probably wouldn’t mind he poured two glasses for him and my mom breaking their Lenten vow to abstain. As you can imagine, there were thousands of questions to be asked and answered and as we settled in to eat, we did our best to get them caught up on our plans. They were a little upset that we had not told them earlier, but were pleased that we had provided such a family centered forum for the disclosure. We told them that once this started, we were implementing our own “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, and it was one that served our sanity well. We told them that we would keep them posted with any news, and that we didn’t want a constant stream of emails and phone calls asking how we were doing, and what we were doing to start the family. All of the advice books had told us to set boundaries with our friends and families, as the questions can get overwhelming at times, especially if there isn’t any movement towards a child.

As the night unfolded, there were many sidebar conversations throughout the house. Photo albums and memories were brought out and dusted off as the news of this new chapter in our lives sank in. We began calling our parents Grandma and Grandpa, and they all seemed pretty pleased with that title. My mom retreated to the kitchen to do some unnecessary cleaning, but I think it was actually a chance for her to process the information and how she was going to deal with my brother and his wife who were adopting as well. As I came in to the kitchen to check on her, she came over with tears in her eyes and gave me a big hug, the kind of soul grabbing hug that is given at funerals, births, or weddings. She looked up at me and told me that I would be an excellent Dad and said that our yet born child would be damn lucky to have me as a parent. She held back some tears and quickly asked me if I had told my brother yet. I told her that I had not, as we wanted to tell them first. She steeled her jaw and said used her best sotto voce to say “you need to tell him.” As with much of Anna’s birth and adoption, there was good and bad to be dealt with. The issue of my brother was one that would haunt this entire process and remains an issue to this day.